I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
