Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
