so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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