I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
