pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
