i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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