She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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