Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
