Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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