So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
