Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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