You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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