I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
