they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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