I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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