Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
