Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
