well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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