Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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