my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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