Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
