ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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