I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
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