At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
