Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
