so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
