I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
