my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
