then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
