When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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