shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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