I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
