I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
