she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
