ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I want to be your penis for a week.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
