Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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