Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
