The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize