Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
