Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
