my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize