I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize