We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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