im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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