Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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