I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
