im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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