There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize