is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
