I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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