Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
