i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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