I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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