Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize