Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
