life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
