How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
